Cheese of Thrones: Accidentally Retro Blog S4

Very Serious Artist portraits of Kirk and Been. These are faces you can trust.

Following the insane popularity (we have like a non-zero number of readers!) of the Accidentally Retro Blog featuring Game of Thrones, we have re-branded. This is now officially Cheese of Thrones in which we eat cheese and watch Game of Thrones. Don’t worry: some things won’t change. Like Kirk still won’t remember names. Let’s dive into Season 4, shall we? It’s time for us to put on our Very Serious Artist hats and philosophize about genocidal girls and dragons over a platter of cheese. For reference:

For this blog is cheesy and full of spoilers.

Been: Kirk, was this the best episode or was this the best episode?

Kirk: Uh, yes. Not only am I down one name to remember, the entire world of Game of Thrones has been improved. Because just because Joffrey! Like, I think in fact, this episode improved OUR world.

Been: I saw you give a little raised fist of excitement when he first started choking.

Kirk: Did you hear me quietly chanting ‘die… die… die… die…’? Because I sure was!

Been: How about, in honor of Joffrey’s timely demise, you list all the heinous things he did in this episode alone to deserve death?

Kirk: Oh man. Just this episode, like, do we have half an hour for this list?

Been: The high points!

Kirk: Let’s see… um, hiring a bunch of small people as “entertainment” specifically to embarrass Tyrion… um, an entire bundle of acting like a complete d-bag to Tyrion, the cup bearer, the pouring wine on his head, the, just everything… beside that there was throwing money at musicians… taking credit for giving the food to the poor when we all know it wasn’t his idea… including the beheading of Robb Stark in his “entertainment”… um, just being the worst kind of entitled petulant child during his own damn wedding… um… like, I assume there was other things that I’m just not thinking of because they just fade into the background of ‘oh that’s just Joffrey’.

Been: I admit, it’s the most satisfying death. Maybe ever.

Kirk: See, I wish that he would have been, like… I think my ideal would be if he was goaded into a fight where someone just proceeded to humiliate him and then stab him. But this was a pretty solid option.

Been: I mean he choked to death (was poisoned) in front of everyone at his own wedding in the middle of mockery. It was so…. right.

Kirk: That’s fair. It was Peak Joffrey that was happening followed by Peak Joffrey From Everyone Else’s Perspective. But I mean really, I’d have been okay if rocks just fell and he died. Just ground up by rocks.

Been: Fair. Just to be rid of him. I think, and back me up here, the only person who will mourn him is Cersei.

Mel (special guest appearance): Jaime.

Kirk: *ponders* I think Jaime and even Tywin will sort of wave their hands and say ‘oh no I am bereft etc’ because they feel they should be. I don’t think either will be that broken up about it, really.

Been: But Cersei will be.

Kirk: Oh yeah. She entirely somehow still seemed to think that he was a human being as opposed to like, Joffrey.

Been: Million dollar question… who poisoned him?

Kirk: Ooh. I mean, this will be such a simple investigation because almost noone has motivation to murder that annoying little bastard. Um, however, the Fool specifically took Sansa away so I feel like he’s involved. I don’t think he’s the originator, however. I think my bold prediction (using the predicting hat one more time) is actually Tywin.

Been: Tywin?!

Mel: Wow!

Kirk: Just because Joffrey has caused him too much trouble and he just wants to be rid of the barrier to his own power and what he probably sees as the besmirching of his own name. But if that actually is the case and Cersei finds out, he’s probably gonna get shanked.

Been: Cersei accused Tyrion. Does that seem at all likely?

Kirk: Nah. He didn’t really have the… there wasn’t enough in it for Tyrion. Now after this reception if Joffrey had died I’d have been like ‘oh yeah, Tyrion: totally a contender’ but before that, up until the reception, it was just Joffrey being the same sort of useless twit as he’d been all his life so there wasn’t new motivation there. I just had one more thought. Now I almost hope it was Margaery. But it’s the same problem of so many people have such good motivation.

Been: Is Sansa on your list of possibilities?

Kirk: I wish she was but I don’t think that she’s capable of it, basically.

Been: So where is Sansa being stolen off to? And by whom?

Kirk: I think that she’s being taken somewhere by the Fool, not by whoever actually was behind murdering Joffrey.

Been: And who is the Fool working for?

Kirk: Yeah that’s the problem. I think he’s involved in killing Joffrey just that taking away Sansa is because she treated him as a human being when so many others had not.

Been: Is there anything else that happened in this episode besides Joffrey’s death that you wanna talk about?

Kirk: Um… hmm. Uh, news getting out that the younger Stark boys were not killed by Greyjoy. Mmm… AND conversation about the Iron Bank. Which I seem to recall predicting many episodes ago was going to become important in the future. And I feel this could be somewhat the start of the ascension of them in the storyline.

Been: How many more people do you think Melisandre is going to burn alive for her god?

Kirk: Uh, as many as she can get her hands on. Like, integer overflow, um every person that she can manage to feed to a fire.

Been: How long do you think Davos will be able to stand to stick around and watch it?

Kirk: He did get thrown in the dungeon for awhile but more importantly gave his word to Stannis the Petulant that he would work with her. I think he’s going to make at least this whole season. And just be more and more uncomfortable.

Been: Pop quiz, what’s Bran’s direwolf’s name?

Kirk: Dammit!

Been: It was mentioned in this episode. When Bran was warging at the beginning of the episode.

Kirk: I was getting a drink!

Been: That’s not an excuse.

Kirk: But the most important part is that during the episode Bran. Was doing. Wargy things. In the woods. And you can’t prove that Osha wasn’t.

Been: SIGH.

Kirk: *laugh*

Been: But what’s the direwolf’s name?

Kirk: The direwolf’s name is…. Bran And Osha Do Wargy Things In The Woods.

Been: Any last thoughts?

Kirk: Joffrey should have suffered more.

Been: IT IS A NEW SEASON. And we are Cheese of Thrones. And for our mass hordes of non-zero numbered readers we are thinking of a slightly new format, isn’t that right Kirk?

Kirk: It is. Uh, I’m interested in watching the show and I feel like I’m sort of along for the ride for the interview so I’m willing to try news things as we discussed.

Been: Awesome. And specifically what we discussed is less prediction-based discussion and more viewing-experience reaction discussion.

Kirk: Of course as a result of that since I’m no longer trying as hard to keep track for storyline predictions I’m sure I’ll forget more names now. I know people may not think that’s possible but this could go lower.

Been: Just so long as you remember the name of the number one hated character in Westeros.

Kirk: I mean I assume it’s Joffrey but like Cersei’s trying.

Been: Speaking of Joffrey. How did he make you feel this episode?

Kirk: The statue of him with the crossbow and the dead direwolf was so utterly unsurprising. It’s so Joffrey in nature. He would just take credit for something that he thought was great but actually is a little horrible and he’d be far too happy about it. Also I think Margaery was right that if he got to pick her necklace it would be a string of sparrow heads.

Been: I agree. And I also think this is a rare time when Margaery lets her careful PR mask slip and we see that she knows exactly who she’s marrying.

Kirk: Yep. I think that’s from a show perspective it might have been important for them to show that just as like character set up.

Been: Tell me about Dorne! Specifically Prince Oberyn and his paramour.

Kirk: I mean I understand why he has a beef with the Lannisters, to start with they ARE Lannisters and like by and large they’re kind of entire bags full of jerk. Also in his specific circumstance obviously that’s a mess. I think he definitely could lead to some exciting spicy times for the Lannisters in King’s Landing.

Been: Like sexy spicy?

Kirk: I mean things can mean two things.

Been: I think he’s kinda sexy. More sexy than the supposedly super-sexy Daario who, did you notice, is a whole new actor this season.

Kirk: Who the hell was that? Daario?

Been: LOL. Daario is the guy who betrayed his fellow bad dudes to lead Dany into the city last season. The one who last season had the long blonde hair and this season was having a sword holding contest with Grey Worm.

Kirk: HUH. I thought that was someone entirely new.

Been: RIGHT? BECAUSE IT IS.

Kirk: No I thought it was a new character.

Been: I don’t blame you. But it is, in fact, the same dude. Who is not sexy.

Kirk: Hmmm. Today I learned.

Been: What did you learn about Dany?

Kirk: Uh, she may not have the control over the dragons that she likes to pretend she does to others and herself. It sounded like she was “liberating” another city and the more power she gets the more concerned I am.

Been: At this stage, whose power hungry ways trouble you more? Cersei or Dany?

Kirk: Dany. *hesitantly* Barely. Um, Cersei tries to get power through political intrigue. Dany just puts cities to the sword.

Been: Is Shae ever going to just go away?

Kirk: I almost think that she should for her own sake. I feel like she’s definitely gonna spend still some time around there, though. Kind of unfortunately.

Been: Ok who are your top five favorites in this episode?

Kirk: Um. Brienne. The Hound. Arya? …. the problem is so many of them are terrible…. hmmm… I think I’ll add Tyrion to that list. And I guess Margaery. Like she’s conniving, um, but I think that she has somewhat more noble goals for her power.

Been: If the wedding happens, do you think Margaery can do good in King’s Landing?

Kirk: I think she can. I think that one of the best things she can do is basically divert Joffrey into doing stupid things instead of murdering people.

Been: On a scale of 1 to 11, how badly do you want Joffrey dead?

Kirk: That whole world would be a better place if he was just to like, fall in a well.

Been: I mean you’re not wrong. So on that note, who are your bottom five. Or rather, the top five worst characters?

Kirk: I mean Joffrey’s the obvious shoe-in. Cersei’s on that list. Like there’s other characters that I think are like doing evil things but some of them are complicated. Those two are just monsters. Tyrion’s pretty close to them, though. I think most of the other characters in this episode were more in the middle to me.

Been: Would we like a spin-off show of The Adventures of Arya and The Hound?

Kirk: I would probably watch at least a season of that, yep.

Been: Dragon thoughts?

Kirk: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned with the thought of Dany the Genocidal controlling the dragons or them having no control whatsoever. I might be a little bit more afraid of Dany, though. Just because she’s more likely to direct them and they’ll be a force multiplier for her because she can use them as a threat. Whereas uncontrolled dragons become more of a force of nature problem but something you can maybe try to divert.

Been: It’s not unlike people training pit bulls to be violent and attack on command when really left alone they’re rather fine dogs.

Kirk: They’re just a dog, yeah. And even dragons may be more “violent” but that’s just predatory really but yeah, if you can distract them with some sheep instead of people… that’s not going to work if Dany’s pointing them at a town.

Been: Did you learn any new names this episode?

Kirk: Yes.

*pause*

Been: Would you like to share them with me?

Kirk: Um no because I already forgot them. Uh because whats-his-name the prince that we talked about like a few minutes ago…. dammit nope…. I knew he was a new person and a new name and it’s just gone. Just gone. So the answer is technically I DID learn a new name. Just not for very long.

Did it start with an O?

Been: Yes.

Kirk: …… I’ve got nothing.

Been: And what cheeses did we consume today?

Kirk: Oh the IMPORTANT questions! Well in roughly ascending order of aggressiveness, there was an aged cheddar, a gouda with ginger and pumpkin seed, then there was a two-year aged cheddar with black pepper.

Been: That black pepper cheese, aka the Cheese That Punches You In The Face, is my favorite.

Kirk: That’s because it’s amazing. It is the cheese of the old gods and the new.