Been: The night is dark and full of terrors and the north is very north. And full of zombies. Is this what we learned?
Kirk: Um, I think so. I still stand by they were afraid of running out of budget and blew it in the last episode on dragons and walkers.
Been: Like a lot of walkers.
Kirk: Like a lot. Some of which, as per discussion, were awfully naked to have died in the north. So it seems there's only one way they could have died. But this is Game of Bones, so...
Been: It wouldn't be Game of Thrones without sexy exposition. Sexposition.
Kirk: Mmm I like coining new words. I like it better when they're puns but I still like coining new words.
Been: So Dany and the Dragons, not the 80s cover band....
Kirk: That HAS to be an 80s cover band! 100%. Uh, she got the dragons from the House of the Undying. I wasn't completely sure they'd be there but she did get them and they were there. Uh, other predictions, Tywin did indeed take the glory for quote/unquote "winning" which was obvious nonsense. We did see Melisandre. Now, I said we'd see Cersei's captive that she thought was Tyrion's girlfriend. And we did. But I said it would be bad and it mostly wasn't. I expected it to be Cersei punishing her and it was not. Uh, Joffrey got a depressing amount of comeuppance. Depressing as in zero. Um, I said we'd see Jon because it was the end of the season and they want to make him important. While he stares searchingly off into the distance at nothing whatsoever. Um, however I also said that Cat would escape and meet up with Brienne and Jaime, not so much. But I said that Tyrion maybe would be at a loss for words and schemes and I think I'll take that as a win. Ooh, I did predict repercussions for Robb wanting to run off with his doctor lady: the repercussions are coming but they're not here yet.
Been: Let's talk Faceless Men.
Kirk: Mmmm, seems real handy. Um, I think it's possible Arya will run into him again. But it will be a long time.
Been: Okay so quick king tally, who is on the board king-wise right now?
Kirk: Ugh, there's so many. Uh, Mance is the king in the northest. Robb is still saying he's the king in the north. Joffrey is still the king of tools. Stannis is claiming kingship. He's not precisely wrong. He wouldn't be much of an improvement over Joffrey, though. Dany, she's Khaleesi, not king or queen. Although she wants to be both. I don't think Theon's father actually called himself a king.
Been: But Theon did call himself Prince of Winterfell.
Kirk: Yeah, Theon says a lot of things.
Been: Okay so did anyone die this episode?
Kirk: Um, yes. Jon killed the Halfhand. The warlock in Quarth died. By dragonfire. The quote/unquote king in Quarth didn't precisely die this episode but was pretty doomed to death along with Dany's traitorous handmaiden. Um, the Maester. He was stabbed by the Ironborn but finished off by Osha.
Been: So, given the whole season, what are your predictions for the big opener of season three?
Kirk: Oooh the big opener, that's uh... Theon gets dragged back to the Iron Isles. Bran and Osha do witchy things in the woods. Hmmmm. Melisandre's gonna have to do something magical-like for Stannis. Uh, if Tyrion wants to stay around King's Landing he's gonna have to do something bold, I'm not sure what. Shae will stick with him. Uh, Daenerys might get her ship, that could make a good arc for season three. Joffrey and Cersei will continue to make me angry. I feel like there'll be the start of some new story arc with Arya but I'm not sure what. I feel like that's already a lot for one episode but maybe Jon Snow meeting Mance. And Ser Buttersworth will appear!
Been: Let's talk Sansa for a moment. So she's still a Lannister prisoner but she's been set aside by Joffrey in favor of Margaery Tyrell as a fiance. What does this mean for Sansa?
Kirk: Um, at first it'll seem like more freedom but that's all going to go sideways real fast I suspect. I don't think she's gonna like escape or something though. I don't have any real specifics there.
Been: Quick Direwolf roll call. Go!
Kirk: Uh... Ghost... Nymeria... Shaggydog... Summer... Grey Wind? Wolf? Something?... Lady, Sansa's terrible dog name.
Been: You're doing really well!
Kirk: I was surprised, honestly.
Been: Do you know the dragons' names?
Kirk: I almost have one because Daenerys said it during the episode but I can't quite actually get it.
Been: I'm gonna stop you there because what Dany actually said was "Dracarys" which is High Valeryian for "fire".
Kirk: Huh, well then, I guess I didn't even have a hint of any names. Names are hard. Puns are good.