Been: So this was all about the wall. It's in fact called The Watchers on the Wall. And very wall-oriented it was.
Kirk: I made a prediction during this episode and it didn't come true. I'm surprised and annoyed.
Been: hehehehe What was your prediction, Kirk?
Kirk: Given all of the set up, I was fairly sure that Sam was going to die. For a few reasons: I mean he promised not to die, come on. But I feel like I was tricked by some writers hitting a bunch of common tropes and then like yanking out the football at the last moment.
Been: So are you more upset that the writers tricked you or more upset that Sam lived?
Kirk: Oh no, it's the writers' trick. Sam is one of the few redeeming qualities of the Night's Watch. Like, they're going to have Mister Fetch there but at least there'll probably be Sam.
Been: We both agree 100% on that at least. Sam, Ghost, and the Woolly Mammoth are my MVPs of the episode. I really find it hard to care about anyone else.
Kirk: And by "anyone else" you mean Jon Snow.
Been: STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Kirk: That should basically be the new motto of the Night's Watch, you know the tattered remnants of. Sadly, however, by murdering everyone else, they seem to be trying to make Mister Fetch run the whole Night's Watch.
Been: Here's the thing about the Night's Watch. I believe I stated while we were watching that it's JUST LIKE a country that values the Lannisters to decide that their ultimate defense against Wildlings and White Walkers will be criminals and thugs they don't want anywhere else in the country. So the fact that the Night's Watch "won" this battle is nothing short of authorly nepotism because the Wildlings are more skilled, better organized, and far outnumber the sad black-clad men of the wall.
Kirk: But we're supposed to see them, I'm assuming, as very sympathetic figures and in order to do that they have to have this pyrrhic victory and suffer heavy losses to be sympathetic but in order for us to be somewhat engaged they have to at least somewhat win in the end.
Been: I mean I get that. But it's also convenient to plot that literally everyone at the wall except Fetch and Sam died and they still "won" so that Fetch can still happen and the nobility of the criminals defending the people who rejected them is intact.
Kirk: Yeah that definitely feels like a set up. A somewhat unrealistic set up. And part of the basically ongoing campaign to make Fetch happen.
Been: Do we feel bad for Fetch that Mrs. Fetch died?
Kirk: A little. Begrudgingly. I guess. I definitely feel like we're supposed to, a lot more than I do.
Been: I think I feel more sorry for Ygritte that she only got to sample Fetch as an example of non-Wildling good times before she died because that can not have been a quality sample.
Kirk: I mean Jon Snow has so few redeeming qualities, surely he has one.
Been: You're suggesting he has a giant cock?
Kirk: I mean, at least that he was good in bed.
Been: He was a repressed virgin bastard child of a noble who didn't want him so maybe there was some emotional tension to work with there? But... I dunno... in the game of Who Cares About Fetch, I only care that Ygritte died before sampling any other man south of the wall at the hands of a damn child.
Kirk: Although I definitely had to laugh at Jon telling that child to take up arms and then the kid reacting completely reasonably and, you know, shooting Mrs. Fetch.
Been: Actually even funnier is the fact that it was Sam who told the kid to take up arms.
Kirk: Shit! It was.
Been: Sam, remaining MVP of the episode.
Kirk: True story, boy I sure can't argue that.
Been: So what's next, then? We are one episode away from the end of the season. The big wall battle is done. What's happening next?
Kirk: Well next has to be Mrs. Genocide. There's no other option. Like, they're definitely trying to make Fetch happen but I feel like there's a concerted effort for her as well.
Been: Yeah they're for sure trying to make White Saviour Dragon Lady happen too.
Kirk: Yeah, it's weird how sympathetically I feel she's presented in this series given what she's actually doing. It's kind of surprising.
Been: COULD IT BE because she's a young hot blonde?
Kirk: Surely you would never imply that Game of Thrones of all HBO series would ever try to use something like that to sell their series.
Been: No, how foolish of me to assume that a major network would want to bank on the hotness quotient of a major character to convert viewers.
Kirk: There's just no historical precedent for that. Except all the historical precedent.
Been: For my money, Tyrion is the hottest character. I think he's so sexy. It's about personality for me.
Kirk: See, Tyrion is one of the best and most interesting characters. But he's not someone I'd actually want to have around. He's far too scheme-y and gets into too much trouble. There was a whole thing on the internet a bit ago that the last video game character you played is now your roommate and like what do you do? How does it go? Tyrion would be a terrible roommate.
Been: He would be the worst roommate but I'm not thinking of housekeeping with him. I have more .... temporary and intense ideas in mind.
Kirk: I mean that's fair, he definitely seems experienced. Although it sure is strange, given the setting, that like three quarters of them don't have syphilis. Although I guess that could explain the mad king.
Been: I feel like they just don't want to acknowledge that too many of them die by violence before all the STIs can truly run their course.
Kirk: Fair. I can't argue that.
Been: It's such a wholesome show!
Kirk: Um. That's a bold statement.