Kirk: That's a very generic opening. I think I'm going to, uh, stand by what I said in the episode. I'm surprised that she didn't name the sword Jaime. Um, I think that as a Very Serious Person, Brienne will probably do a reasonable job of hunting down Sansa eventually but that she will be disappointed at how far she is from Jaime.
Been: So do you just predict Jaime and Brienne or do you actually hope for it?
Kirk: Oh no, I think there will be nothing but pining.
Been: Let's talk about the VIP of the episode.
Kirk: You're speaking, of course, of Ser Pounce. Because as near as I can tell, if that character never shows up again, it will be the only innocent character in the entire show. Pretty much everyone else is significantly morally compromised at best so it's nice to just have a cute cat.
Been: Hard 100% agree. Ser Pounce is the only unscathed innocent in the show. And also the only animal not CGI'd. Also not undead. Okay, horses are real but they're still part of the war. Ser Pounce is PURE. FUCKING PURE.
Kirk: I don't know, I'm not sure we can place blame on the horses that are being used in the war, though.
Been: Okay, I can agree with that. The horses are victims. But have seen bloodshed. Although I bet King's Landing is riddled with rats - not just the human variety - so Ser Pounce has probably done his share of slaying.
Kirk: You unfortunately beat me to the King's Landing full of rat humans joke.
Been: When a thing is, a thing is.
Kirk: I'd just like to point out that there was a prediction that I made that was about Bran and doing wargy things in the woods. So I mean that's like three out of four.
Been: I'd just like to point out 1) that Osha wasn't there, and 2) that I am sick of this fucking prediction.
Kirk: No, no, no, Osha was there in spirit. This will all be revealed much later, obviously.
Been: If I agree can we never speak of it again?
Kirk: I don't know if I can make that promise.
Been: HARD RIGHT TO.... Dany.
Kirk: *SIGH* Oh Dany. The last scene we saw of her in this episode was her exalting in the sounds of screaming tortured people as she surveyed her new land from the landing of her new castle. I don't get why everyone seems to think that she's some sort of a saviour when she's obviously some sort of a scary murderous person. Like I don't even have the correct words here.
Been: Do you mean murderous despot? Genocidal dictator? Tiny blonde Hitler?
Kirk: You know, those are all good but that last one... that's the best.
Been: From now on this show will feature the special stylings of Mister Fetch and Tiny Blonde Hitler.
Kirk: I endorse this plan.
Been: How do you feel about the very subtle revelation that Olenna Tyrell orchestrated Joffrey's death with Littlefinger?
Kirk: I mean Littlefinger remains a worm and noone should trust him. Olenna, however, I didn't think it was possible for her to be more awesome but yet here we are. Like, that entire world is better for the absence of him and she saved her granddaughter from, you know, The Horrible. While still being that person who just doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone else's opinion. It's kind of amazing.
Been: I agree entirely. Olenna for President! Also, let's split the MVP title for this episode between Ser Pounce and Olenna Tyrell, the two best characters on the show.
Kirk: I mean, they are both pretty great. It's hard to argue with that especially when the other competition is all so bad.
Been: And so RAPEY.
Kirk: Yeah. This feels like they instituted some sort of metric of like rapiness per minute they had to hit this episode. It was uncomfortable and definitely felt like they were trying to use it to make the mutineers look terrible but because of the history of the show, they had to go way overboard in order to do so.
Been: I feel that's a very important point. When you use rape as a casual plot device that even your "heroes" are guilty of, then to use it to sully a reputation means you enter the realm of torture porn.
Kirk: Yeah, I feel like that's where they were heading with the mutineers - if you load up good old TV tropes, they call that the Kicking The Dog moment. It's supposed to demonstrate that someone is irrevocably evil but there's just almost nowhere left to escalate to in this show.
Been: It's kind of a tragic thing, really. Because the characters really don't, for almost every instance of it, require it to define them in any way.
Kirk: Yeah, it feels well past kind of forced and gratuitous at a certain point.
Been: Almost as forced and gratuitous as the show's insistence on trying to make Fetch happen.
Kirk: Oh Mister Fetch. Of course he has to be presented as the oppressed "just a steward" within the Night's Watch because that allows him to then rise above. Which seems like an awfully transparent attempt to enhance his character.
Been: Especially since it's plain as day that he can't even remember his fucking name without engraving it on his sword.
Kirk: N-oj..? Oh wait... I have to draw the sword with my OTHER hand. Otherwise I don't remember my name anymore!
Been: Honestly. It's a good thing they never change clothes because he probably can't dress himself.
Kirk: He doesn't seem terribly competent especially considering the like relatively privileged background that he had of presumably tutors and learning and training. The only thing he seems to be perhaps good at, they're implying, is combat.
Been: I mean, let's do the rundown. He doesn't have Cersei's single-minded anger. He doesn't have Dany's saviour complex and army. He doesn't have Tyrion's cleverness. He doesn't even have Sansa's ability to learn.
Kirk: I'm not sure why, all told, he's been made into such a central character. It doesn't seem like he's really important.
Been: BUT KIRK ON WEDNESDAYS THEY WEAR PINK.
Kirk: Jon: charisma roll, 2. Aw, crap. He think he has a lot more charisma than he actually does.
Been: Okay, animal round up. Name any dragons or dire wolves we saw this episode.
Kirk: I'm fairly sure there was no dragons. However, we did see Summer the dire wolf. Now, the reason that I remember this name is because the joke I made during the episode where I pointed out I only caught summer that name.
Been: *dies inside from having to type out the pun*
Kirk: The other name was not Snow... but it was stupid... and tied in my head to the color white as well... because it's a white wolf... GHOST! Is it?
Been: Yes. Very good Kirk. Ghost is the wolf of Mister Fetch.
Kirk: And that snow joke.
Been: STAHP. For the love of the old gods and the new, stahp.