Been: Take a moment before we get to your win/loss ratio from last episode to explain why this header image is the best.
Kirk: Because old Grandma Tyrell there has reached that amazing age of just not giving a fuck. She's aspirational! She's just great. That's all I got.
Been: And Varys is no slouch either.
Kirk: Eh, he's alright.
Been: Okay, hit me with the wins and losses!
Kirk: Well obviously the only place to start is with Dany. 'Cause I said she'd technically hold to the agreement and pay with the business end of a dragon and then sack the city with her new army. And not to alarm anyone but that was pretty much a direct hit.
Been: Holy shit that's the most right you've ever been!
Kirk: Yeah it is, like straight up. Um, I did also say Bran, Osha and the Reeds doing warg-y things in the woods. Osha wasn't there but still successful-ish. However I also said that Arya would free the Hound... noooo. I said that Mister Fetch would end up outside the castle on the wall. Shockingly he is Ser Did Not Appear In This Episode. I said Grandma Tyrell would pass some information to Joffrey or Cersei that would be problematic for Sansa. I still think it's possible but less likely now. I said that Theon would run into his sister but not so much. I said Melisandre would be gone for a couple of episodes but I said that would make Stannis the Petulant go wiggy and he did not show up. I also said for dramatic tension that Jaime and Brienne would not show up in this episode: that's a miss. I said Tyrion would talk to Tywin about all the borrowed money. I still think that will happen but it certainly hasn't yet. That's about it for specific predictions. I did say the King's Landing debt to the Bank of Braavos would be a problem but way later, like seasons later. Yep, that's about all the predictions.
Been: Talk to me about Margaery and Joffery.
Kirk: She has him like so incredibly dialed in, playing him like a piano, it's just ridiculous. Like he has no idea what's going on. She's going to end up running that kingdom basically, if she's not stopped.
Been: Would that be a bad thing?
Kirk: I'm a little concerned as to her moral flexibility but I mean as compared to Joffrey? Such a low bar. It's just not hard to be better than him.
Been: Jaime the Handless. Thoughts?
Kirk: Uh, I mean, I think Brienne was right. As soon as he had something bad happen to him for possibly the first time in his life, he totally lost his shit. How very Lannister of him.
Been: Do you feel sorry for him?
Kirk: Nah, he's been kind of a jerk a lot. It could happen in the future but...
Been: Do you feel sorry for Theon?
Kirk: Boy, that's complicated. *ponders* Maybe. He's done some awful things. But he also had awful things happen to him. Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
Been: How do you feel about the Brotherhood of the Fire or whatever they are?
Kirk: The Brothers without Banners? I think I may have just remembered a name you didn't and this is just blowing my mind! Anyhow, trial by combat is always dumb. And there's a minor chance they will actually attempt to do good in the world but they could just also devolve into raving vigilante justice.
Been: Alright, sigh, let's talk about Dany.
Kirk: I mean I understand what some people thought they felt about her. She's a genocidal maniac. I don't expect that to change at any point. Her giving a six second long "choice" in the face of people who had been tortured and indoctrinated from a young age to always obey their master is just a way to make herself feel better. She has an army now. And that's obviously a bad idea for the world.
Been: *cracks knuckles* Okay Kirk. This is it. Predicting time.
Kirk: Alright. It's clobber - I mean predicting time. *pauses to eat a block of cheese* Let's see. Uhhhh... I'm gonna be bold and say we're going to skip Theon for the next episode. Bran, warg-y things, in the woods. We're going to have to establish that for a while I think. Mister Fetch has to show up. He can't not be there for two episodes. Like I said, maybe run into some walkers before they get to the castle on the wall. Oh man. There's a prediction I missed! Dany DID speak the language. Anyhow, I think Dany will end up with some sort of like almost 80s travel montage sort of entry. *ignores Been's laughter* Stannis the Petulant will totally show up and mope about Melisandre being gone. Mmmm... Jaime and Brienne could totally show up. I don't think they'll do much besides kind of character build and like make Jaime seem sympathetic or some crap like that. Who else? Hmm. The Hound is going to fight that guy he ran into in the cave. Nope, don't know his name. Um, and I feel like he's going to be about to kill him but something's going to interrupt. Maybe Arya. I think that Sansa's going to continue to be friendly-ish with the new queen-in-waiting there. But that she may get betrayed. I don't know if that'll be next episode or later. Or she might leave with Littlefinger. Hmmmm. Uh, Tyrion may go talk to Tywin about the money. I think that's basically everyone. Everyone I can think of.
Been: Ahem. Robb?
Kirk: EH. Robb's not that important really. He likes to think he is but... um... I think you're right, he'll be back next episode. Starting to see the consequences of not marrying quote/unquote correctly.
Been: Side question, where did Melisandre go?
Kirk: I don't think that was actually covered in the episode she left, I don't think. Um, I think it's distinctly possible that she shows up somewhere weird. Maybe not King's Landing but like the Eyrie when Littlefinger's there or some strange thing like that. Or like goes to rescue Jaime in order to sow dissent.
Been: Any thoughts on direwolves or dragons?
Kirk: I don't feel like there will be a whole lot of direwolfy attendance in the next episode and I feel like like they used up a fair amount of their dragon budget in this episode so kind of the same there.
Been: Final thought?
Kirk: Uh, Dany's a genocidal maniac.
Kirk: Her running the world has a minor chance of being worse than Joffrey. Because he'd be an incompetent petulant child whereas I feel like she'd be, um, effective in her like brutal repression and vengeance. Yep, I'd go with that.